"Guys, it's one thing to suck. It's another to suck and not be able to bunt."
"Not only are we not good, we're stupid. Not good and stupid. That's just a bad combination."
"The first kid, he's got good stuff but he's a gagger, alright? Things don't go his way he's gonna shit down his leg."
"This guy is a decent hitter, but he can't run or throw. Either one. Can't run...or...throw."
"Todd, I don't know what you did, and I know people make mistakes. But I have no earthly idea how a human being could do something like this. You're gonna have to owe anywhere from 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 hundred dollars, plus the cost of Coach McGrath's hats and gloves."
"You've got a girl Bob? That's funny, I had you pegged as a rumproaster."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Matt, step out of the box. Did he just call that a strike? Wow. That's alright, he's a good ump. He'll give that one back."
"Guy's got no move now. No move."
"Jesus, he looks just like Garbatini. Who's your father, the milkman?"
"Very picturesque day. I'd write a poem if I could. Just don't have the time. Alright let's go get 'em."
"At some point, it ceases to be amusing."
"You need to have a plan at the plate. If you don't have a plan, you won't be able to get a hit unless you have extraordinary ability. Which none of you have. If you did, you wouldn't be here."
"If you cant hit the proper way by the time you are 18,19,20 years old, you need to find another vocation. I dont care what it is, but it cant be playing baseball. Some of you have aweful habits and it is too late to change them. If you were any good you wouldnt be here."
"Gone." - Blurted this out when our pitcher Hamm-Bone threw a chest high fastball to the nine hitter on M.I.T. He said this as the ball was halfway to the plate, and the kid hit it out.
"Amherst and Wesleyan are our big rivals in the Little Three. Amherst tends to have more prep school kids than we do. That's probably why we always beat them."
"Step left Austin. Step left Austin. STEP LEFT AUSTIN!"
"Matt, I like the way you pitch. You throw strikes. I know that if I put you out there during the week you're not gonna gag. But to be honest, if you try and bring that 75-mph express to NESCAC hitters, they're gonna hit it out every time."
"Jesus." - Junior year, when I stepped on the scale and it read 195. For the record, I weighed in at 165 my freshman year.
"Hey Matt, you pushing two spins again this year?" - Right before stepping on the scales senior year.
"Now Sean, I know you've got the better receiver on that side, but he's going against a four-year starter. Hell, I would've thrown at the kid with the beard."
"And there'll be no bench jockeying. Every year there's one freshman who starts running his mouth - usually a hockey player, they're dirtbags. They like to poke each other with their sticks. Vandalzie the hotel, breakin' shit. Anyway, there'll be none of that."
"Hey Mark, I know it's a ball, but just hit that out of the park, right? If he hangs one like that, just hit it out."
"He's got speed. I'm assuming."
"Hope you didn't take my advice on the Tigers. If you are going to bet you have to know more than I know. That's why I don't bet games. For instance, I didn't know that the guy who throws 100 and the guy with the tattoo on his forearm with the outstanding stuff are both like the Amherst pitcher."
"Two-man crew move! Two-man crew move!"
"We don't have many rules guys. Only two things. One is be on time. I don't care what you do the night before, drink yourself into a package, whatever. Just make sure you're on time, on the field, with your uniform clean, ready to play the next day. And the second rule is give 100%. Or treat other people with respect, either one. I'd say treat others the way you like to be treated, but some people like to be treated strangely."
"There is no WAY a woman of Italian decent from Maine could POSSIBLY have a perfect score on the SAT. No way."
"Brent, I hear you were rolling kegs down Spring St. Brent, we have no team policy against rollings kegs down Spring St., so you're fine."
"10 points, hit a WUFO. WUFO."
"Some broad on the softball team bitched to the administration about Indian runs. We will now commence the Native American trot. 1 mile Native American trot. Native American trot."
"Coach McGrath, the guy in the red shirt can't bunt."
"We gotta do this in a CLANDESTINE fashion. Clandestine fashion. Can't raise any money around here, just gotta sell all 20 T-shirts to your parents or whatever. Clandestine fashion..."
"Guys, You need to be mentally tough. Like Martina Navratolova once said, You got to strap it on one more time."
"All this guy's got is a spinner and a ball. A spinner and a ball."
"You don't have one kid on your team who could get into Williams with a cro-bar." - Said to the Skidmore coach before walking away chuckling.
"Pitchers get your running in. Infielders take your positions. Outfielders will be in cage, servicing themselves."
"Get a ball and throw it. Get a ball and throw it."
"You Texas guys and standards. Don't understand. Go ugly early."
"So you guys still do the magic mushrooms? Mushrooms. We used to have a bucket full of them in the DKE house. Attic. Eat yourself into a nice package. Hey NOW! Right Deuce Ringo Colorado."
"You're a bunch of morons. And you go to a moron school." - To the Trinity bench.
"Matt Marvin has no business drivin’ a van. No business."
"Under no circumstances will anyone, ANYONE drink...and drive."
"The baseball program is starting to come around. Travesty before I came. We got a guy - Jewish kid from Texas. Isaac Pesin. 1600 SATs with no talent. None. Throws a knuckle ball. Fastball about 68 and half. Gives up 20 hits a game but picks 'em all off. Call him the I-MAN. I-MAN. I-MAN. I-MAN..."
"79 and a half. 79 and a half. Lookin' for the local. Got the express."
"MVP of the trip is me...for scheduling. Scheduling."
"This guy is from an SEC school. So he's obviously a moron."
"Wet ball, small hands. Wet ball, small hands. Small hands, small dick. Don't worry Marshall, it's not the size of the meat, it's the motion."
"Cuban hockey players. Shortest book ever written."
"The Olympics should be a good time. Stay away from broads with head covering and veils, white Toyota pick-up trucks and guys with turbans and you should be fine."